Degrees of Sanity
by Profilerreid
Summary: He was ready to live in the darkness and forget the life he had lived before." The Team fights against time to catch a sadistic killer. While Reid fights against his mind after his mother dies. But there's something about the death he's not telling them.
1. All That I Bleed

**All That I Bleed**

**All the things we keep inside  
All the things that really matter  
The face puts on its best disguise  
And all is well  
Until the heart  
Betrays**

-_All That I Bleed_ by Savatage

The darkness seemed to cascaud around them as the made their trek into the old house. Nothing made sense here. Furniture was over turned, trash covered the ground. It was so cluttered that they could barely walk an inch without running into something. It didn't help that it was so dark you could only see a foot in front of you. Thin streams of light from the ten or so flash lights shot wildly around the room, not making it any more organized. Spencer Reid never really understood why they couldn't just turn on the lights when they entered a house.

Stumpling forward he felt something that he had been dreading. The shape was unmiskable, even if he only felt it with his shoe. It was a body. Holding back a gasp Reid stepped backwards, almost flipping over an old, fallen book case. "Guys..." he whispered, almost afraid to break the steady silence that had come over the room. "I... I have something..." He said trying to control the shutter in his voice. He saw a light beam flash in his direct, and remember his own gun and light in his hands. Suddenly he felt the erge to shine the light on the body and make sure it was what he thought it was, but he couldn't get his arms to move. He really didn't need to see it.

Deciding instead he shone the light where he thought the body was and looked at the approaching person. 'Don't look down. Don't look down.' He said over and over in his head. In the next second Morgan was next to him. His face was grave, and Reid new at the moment he was right about what it was.

Bending down Morgan checked for a pulse, even thought the agent could tell he was dead. "His gone." He said, for the gathering crowd. "It looks to be Greenwood."

"There's nothing else here." Hotch said carefully approaching, trying not to trip. Reid couldn't even amagine his boss tripping.

"Who killed our UNSUB?" Emily asked in her normal complection not even fazed by the corpse lying on the ground.

It was then that Reid realized that he had even looked at Greg Greenwood. If Emily could look down at it then he should be able to. Death had been hitting him harder lately, though, ever since the death of his mother. It had been a week and 4 days. It was strange, once death touched you personally it seemed harder to handle; more real.

Looking down he saw that the brunette had been stabbed countless times in the chest. His shirt was ripped open showing the pale bloodied skin. His face was still just as handson as it had been before. Reid pulled his eyes off it before he could look into his cold, dead eyes. All he saw at night was Daina Reid's dead brown eyes looking up at him. Looking just as crazy as they had before. Filled with pain and sorrow.

"It looks like he was just killed... maybe 20 minutes ago." Reid qucikly said trying to take his mind off his mother. It wouldn't work, though, he knew in the next moment he would be seeing that day again. "The blood it still wet..."

"And it doesn't reek in here." Detective Parker said. He was a tall guy that resembled the guy on the floor a lot, other then he didn't have over ten stab wounds in his chest. Parker had called the BAU in 2 days ago, on the day Reid came back to work, to help him catch the guy who had murdered 5 couples in the last month.

Hotch barked some orders to the SWAT and detectives, most of which Reid missed. He was sure he had said something to him as well, but he missed it as well. When Hotch, Morgan, and Emily started off Reid followed almost blindly, tripping on many things.

Once he emerged outside he could breathe. It wasn't much lighter than inside do to the thick cloud cover that threatened a thunderstorm at any moment, but the air was fresher, and there was more to look at then death.

"Reid..." Hotch said but Reid didn't catch it, "Reid!" Jumping slightly the genuis looked over. "You okay?"

"Fine." The word had no emotion.

"You need more time off?"

"No!" He answered a little too fast. He didn't know what he would do if he was left to think about _it_ any more. "I've been gone over a week already. I'm good." He added more normal.

"Okay," Hotch said a little reluctant. He knew what death could do to a person and how the grief could destroy you. "go with Emily back to the police station. Look over everything again. It could be possible that Greenwood wasn't our guy."

Reid nodded and started to the SUV Emily was standing by. He was stightly curoius what Hotch and Morgan would be doing, and really regreted spacing off earlier. But there was nothing he could do now. He would find out later. He just hoped that he would be able to hold on. He couldn't afford to lose control. He needed to keep his mind steady and to himself. He didn't want them to know. They didn't needed to know.


	2. Not What You See

**Not What You See **

**I swear on tomorrow, if you take this chance  
Our lives are this moment, the music - the dance  
And here in this labyrinth of lost mysteries  
I close my eyes on this night and you're all that I see**

_-"Not What You See" By Savatage_

Hotch watched as Reid and Emily got into the black SUV and drove away. He was really worried about the kid. He was never that close to his mother. In fact when Reid asked for that weekend off he had been shocked. It was only like the fifth time in all his years he asked for a vacation. He never said he was going to Nevada, but he knew. He had been getting better at connecting with Dania ever since he found his father. Now this...

"He'll be fine with time." Morgan said. Hotch hadn't even noticed that he was standing beside him.

"Yeah, but I'm worried about now..." Hotch answered not going into his real fears. He had never seen the young agent like this. Not even after he was abducted.

At that moment Rossi stuck his head out of the pale yellow house. "I think I've got something." He called before going back in.

Hotch and Morgan half ran to the door. The scene inside was pretty much the same as it had been before, other than some one had decided to turn on the lights. With the added light you could see the mess covering the floor a lot better.

"There's a pattern to the why everything was turned over." Rossi started the moment he say the two. "The book case is knocked over the couch, but the couch seems to have been rummaged through first. It seems to me that it wasn't made by a struggle, someone was looking for something. In the back..." He paused on;y for a moment to lead the way down the short hall way to the bed room, "...It looks just about the same." The bed and dresser where turned over, and clothes littered the ground. "But, then it stops before it gets to the closet." The door to the small closet was open, but everything was still in its place.

"He found what he was looking for." Hotch said.

"It was somewhere in the bedroom." Rossi concluded.

"But what would our UNSUB have that would get him killed?" Morgan interjected.

No one had an answer. The three turned and left the house, leaving room for the CSI's to do their job. (They had gotten there so fast because the police station was only about five minutes away.) Outside the rain had started to fall.

---------------------------

The down pour of rain wasn't helping Reid's mood. When he was a kid his mother used to tell him that when it rained it was because God was crying. Of course he never believed it, but there was something about that that made him feel sad when ever it rained. Maybe it was his mother crying from heaven now?

The short ride was done in complete silence. Reid knew that if he didn't talk Emily would think something was up, but he couldn't trust his voice. Instead he just stared at the blanket of water that was pouring down upon them. He could tell Emily was dieing to say something, but, luckily, she didn't. It freed him from having to try and convince her that he was okay, but it gave his mind time to think. Time he didn't need.

When they entered the police station the two were soaked from head to toe. Reid didn't even seem to notice, though. Immediately most everyone there, including Jordan, was on them asking them what had happened. This was the worst thing anyone in the town had even seen. Reid didn't pay any attention to them, and just pushed by to the small table that had been given to them to work on. Emily shoot him a betrayed look, then tried to calm everyone down, while explaining what had happened.

Quickly he picked but a case file that was on the table and began to stare into it. He didn't need it, he remember every detail, every picture, but he needed something to stare at. Metal he started going through the crime.

Mary and Jacob Poter were the first couple to be killed. They had been married for 3 years and had a 2 year old son, Brian. On the night they were murdered they left Brian with a baby-sitter and went out to dinner. They left the restaurant at 8:30 and started home. Thats when the UNSUB abducted them and tortured them for 12 hours before stabbing them to death and dumping the bodies in front of their house in brood day light. Both of their wedding rings where missing. Sarah and Keven Vick where killed 4 days later with the exact same MO and signature but where dumbed in front of Keven's parent's house instead. Nora and Jet Shield where killed four days later and found at Nora's sister's house. Shelly and Tom Fisher found four days later at Tom's work. Ivy and Jack Danker where found four days after that, a day before they were called in, inside their small town home.

They determined that the UNSUB was leaving them in high risk places not only to taunt them, but to show that he was smart enough to dump them where there where cops. The fact that it was the middle of the day told that that he was normal looking. Average height, and weight. Caucasian. His car would most likely be a pick-up truck. His age was most likely around 25 and 40. He was also most likely unemployed or worked odd hours, like the night shift. Another theory was that he he worked 3 days then had two days off, or an odd schedule like that. He was very intelligent but worked an undermining job and this was his way of showing the world that he could do something great. That meant that he was going to have to contact the media, or police soon. He wanted them to know who he was and prove everyone wrong.

They got the call at 8:43 that morning. Greg Greenwood called the tip-line saying that he was the "couple Murderer" and that no one was safe. He told them that next time he was going to abduct two males. Maybe a gay couple because he liked the name. Right away Garcia traced the call to to a phone booth outside of a Village Inn. Reid inputed that point into his geographical profile and found the 2 block radius that his house was most likely in. It wasn't long before Detective Parker realized he knew the voice and IDed him as Greenwood from channel five news, a field reported.

Everything pointed to him, he matched the profile to a dot. Reid didn't get it. Maybe he was the "Couple Murderer" and was killed by a vigilante.

----------------------------

_**Two Weeks And Five Days Ago, Las Vegas, Nevada**_

_Reid stepped into the hospital causally. He wasn't a stranger to this place, but he didn't seem to belong. When the doctors and nurses say him they all light up with joy and called out his name. Talking to a few he continued to the day room. Once there he saw her, sitting in her favorite chair looking out to the garden. The Doctors said that she was having a good day, and should be lucid._

_"Hey mom." he said pulling a chair next to her. _

_His mother smiled widely and and said, "Oh, Hello Spencer."_

_The next few minutes were spent talking about the normal things. It seemed so natural and easy. Reid was glade to see that his mother was indeed on one of her good days. About half an hour later, though, something changed. Dania became silent and refused to look at Reid. This worried him. What was wrong._

_"Spencer will you do something for me?" Her voice was soft._

_"Yeah, sure, anything." He answered putting a hand on her's._

_"Spencer...."_

_"Yes... Mom?"_

_"Please, I need you to help me...." There was a very long pause. "Help me kill myself...."_

_"What!?" Reid nearly shouted jumping out of his chair, and almost knocking it over._

_"Spencer please... Sit down..." Reid listened to her, not sure why. "I'm misrable... Please I just want to die."_

_"No... no... This... Your... Sick... Dulusional..."_

_"No I'm not. Please you have to do this..."_

_"I can't... I wont... Your Dulusional... I'll go talk to the doctors... Its your meds... I'll fix it Mom..." Reid made to get up again._

_"Don't.... Don't do that. Please." Again he listened to his mother._

_"Why.. mom... how..."_

_"You don't need me anymore... My time has come."_

_"No it hasn't. Mom.... I still need you..." A tear escaped to his check._

_Whipping it off Dania said, "Your grown up and I need to go. I know its a lot, Spencer, but I need this. I want to die."_

_She sounded so sure. She didn't seem to be delusional. But that was the only explanation. _

_"I...I need to go..." Reid said and jumped up. "I'll come see you tomorrow..." And with that he was gone. It was only a few moments until he was in his retail car. Amazingly he was able to hold off the tears until then._


	3. The Dark

**The Dark **

**I've been waiting  
I don't understand what you want me to be  
It's the dark you're hating  
It's not who I am, but it is what you see**

_-"Not What You See" By Savatage_

The team assembled at the small table 30 minutes after the raid. Rossi started the "meeting" by telling everyone what he had found. A few ideas were shot around. Reid sat in silence as the team talked. Alone when they had worked through everything they had did he speak up, them having yet to propose his idea.

"I think," He said softly with no emotion, "he might be a vigilante." And that was all that needed to be said and thus he didn't say anything else.

"It makes sense!" Emily blurted out before Reid was fully done speaking, most likely a little embarrassed that she hadn't thought of it.

"Why kill him less then an hour before we show up, though?" Morgan asked, always having to be the one against the new idea.

"Maybe he didn't know we were coming?" Rossi put in.

"He was stabbed over 10 times right?" Jordan said, "Wasn't that Greenwood's signature?"

"Maybe he's using their signatures to kill them..." Hotch said.

"Karma?" Morgan said with a laugh.

"Do you think he's killed before?" Jordan asked. Morgan was already calling Garcia.

"Hey Baby Girl, we need you." He said.

"Ah, how you need Hot Stuff?" She answered.

"Can you see if there has been any serial killers killed in the same way they killed?" He said "dumbing" it up for her, not that she needed it.

"What?!... Ooookay... Its going to take some time..." She said and you could already here keys clicking in the background.

"As fast as you can." He said then hung up.

It was then that a man appeared at the door. "Delivery for Aaron Hotchner?" They heard him say to the nearest policeman. Hotch was out of his seat and next to the guy before the policeman could say anything.

"I'm Aaron Hotchner." he said sternly.

The delivery man made him sign his name, then handed him a small box about the size of a jewelry box. Hotch went back to his seat and looked at it for a moment. There was something about it. A feeling he could quite explain. Then he opened it and found a smaller wooden box inside.

"Stop him!" Hotch turned and pointed after the delivery man realizing what it was. It must have been what the vigilante had taken.

Turning back to the box he slowly opened it and found a piece of paper. On it was written:

_Tell me if you win would it show - in a thousand years, who would know?_

_As a million lives come and go._

_Its time we took the stage._

_And let them from their cage._

_Love Batman_

Hotch read it out loud. Then looked to Reid, expecting him to have something to say, or maybe hoping, but he just stared back. His face was blank of all emotion and for a moment Hotch wondered what he was trying to hid.

Deciding Reid wasn't going to say anything he Picked up the note he reviled ten wedding bands. Hotch flagged down a passing cop and handed it to him to have processed with the CSIs

"We? Does that mean their's more than one?" Emily asked almost immediately.

Hotch turned to Reid. He didn't make like he was going to say anything though. Hotch knew that he had already read more into the note then anyone else. He also knew that he had also figured all they had gotten on the vigilante angle before bringing it up, and most likely more. Hotch really didn't like this 'new' Reid.

Even under his boss's stringent stare Reid didn't say anything.

"Reid!" Hotch said almost making him break his mask into a frightened glare.

"No." He said plainly answering the question.

Furious now Hotch stood and muttered, "Can I talk to you."

Reid stood and followed him to the side.

"I know your in pain." Hotch said, trying not to be to mad. "But this is your job. You can't just shut yourself off. If you have something you need to share it with the group."

"I..." Reid started but stopped. There was something about the way his eyes looked that was different. There was a lot of pain, but not just that. There was also anger. What had happened to him?

"Reid... Are you sure your okay?" He asked loosing his will to be mad with the kid.

"Yeah..." he whispered sounding, and looking more like himself, but some how it wasn't him. Hotch wondered if he would ever be the same again.

"Just know you can always talk to me." Hotch said.

Reid nodded and then walked back to the table. Upon sitting he said, "The use of 'we' suggests that he's referring to every. It might be just us, or it might be the word." His voice was plain, lifeless. "By saying Tell me if you win would it show - in a thousand years, who would know? he's saying that it doesn't matter if we catch them or if some one else does. Thats why he killed Greenwood right before we showed up. When he says that we need to let them from their cage I think he means the people in prision...."

"So they can be killed?" Morgan asked.

Reid shrugged then added, "He calls himself Batman meaning he sees himself as the ultimate vigilante killing the joker..."

"Okay, Jordan call a press conference. We need to try and draw this guy out into the open. Morgan call Garcia see whats she's found. Tell her whats going on. Reid when we get the note back do a closer analysis of it. Rossi, Emily come with me to talk with our delivery man." Hotch said and everyone was off to work in a flash.

----------------------------

_**A Week And One Day Ago**_

_The shock of what still hadn't set in yet. In his mind his mother was still alive, even though he was at her funeral. Reid knew that he was experiencing the denial stage of grief and in a few days he would either be extremely depressed or really angry. He could never just skip over all the unpleasant emotions and go straight to acceptance._

_There weren't that many people in the small church. Only about 10 people. Reid knew just about everyone of them, if not by name by face. There were doctors, and nurses, and even a few patients that they had agreed were sane enough to leave the hospital to pay their respects to their friend. Then there was William Reid and even one of Dania's old friends from the university that Reid hadn't seen in years._

_At the front of the small room was a colorful arrangement of flowers. Including a few dozen white roses, Dania's favorite flower. In the center was a casket, and inside was Reid's mom. It was open, but he didn't go and look in. The cold dead face was already glued in his mind. All he saw at night was her dark eyes looking up at him. All the sorrow. The pain. Instead Reid focused on one of the many pictures of her when she was alive._

_The priest was saying something, but Reid only heard half of it. He know, though, that at night he would be able to recall every painful word, and a new nightmare would haunt him alone with the eyes._

_"Now her son, Spencer Reid, would like to share a few words." The priest said and it was the first thing he heard fulling. _

_It took a few moments for him to stand and walk the short distance to the stand. He kept his eyes down and away from his mother. Turning he looked to the small audience._

_"My mom..." Reid started out and could already feel the tears starting. "My mom was an amazing women. She was smart and loving. As a kid I didn't have a very normal life." He said looking around at the different people, but avoided looking at his father. "She wasn't the traditional mother. But she still loved me more than anything else. I could tell her anything. And I still can... could... before she died. I remember her telling me that I was the knight of her world, and kept her safe from the monsters in a way she wished she could have done for me..... In the words of David Sarnoff, 'We cannot banish dangers, but we can banish fears. We must not demean life by standing in awe of death.'" _

_Slowly Reid walked back to his seat in the front row and began to cry. _


	4. Degrees of Sanity

**Degrees of Sanity**

**And so I sit here in the dark  
You made the rules I played the part  
I never rushed or pushed my fate  
When time was tight I knew to wait  
And circumstance  
So well disguised  
Within a gathering of lies  
And in the dark I lie awake  
So I can watch you drive your stake**

**And in the dark it all unwinds  
I pray for change  
The kiss of time  
And in my thoughts  
I sit and dwell  
The labyrinth's there  
I know it well**

**And all the things you never heard  
While in my mind I search for words  
But time was lost  
The curtain fell  
I take my bows and wish you well**

_-"Degrees of Sanity" By Savatage_

Reid woke suddenly in a cold sweat. His heart was racing as if he had just ran a few miles. It was completely dark. The nightmares were getting worse. Along with the haunting details of Dania's death, that he would never share with anyone, there was the haunting details of a man killing other criminals.

Reid looked over at the alarm clock and found that it was 2:33 in the morning. The rest of the day had been slow and they hadn't gotten any where. Jordan called a press conference in which she told the public about the death of the serial killer, not mentioning that it was the man who called himself Batman. They were hoping that that would make him mad and force him to make a mistake.

They had gotten nothing from the delivery man.

Garcia had found a few cases like this one all around the country, but there was no closer to who he was, so she was still digging.

Reid had looked over the note that was left a thousand times but couldn't seem to figure anything else out. (The note and box didn't have a single fingerprint on them.)

It was about ten o'clock when Hotch told them to go to bed. They had nothing new, and chances where Batman wasn't going to leave the city over night, and wouldn't kill again.

'There can be up to thirty serial killers at a time in the US.' Reid thought looking into the darkness, embracing it. 'Then there are hundreds of arsonists, stalker, and rapists. We will never be able to figure out where he's going next.' That thought wasn't helping his already decreasing mood. 'His other murders where of small time criminal. Justen Lange was a part time stalker. Fredrick Bing was a rapist who had raped only two women. He got luck with Greenwood.' And on his thought went. He knew he was just trying to shield his mind from the horrors that a waited him.

The night went slowly from then on. Reid fought with his thoughts and failed. The dark started to surround him- box him in. But for once in his life he liked it. He liked to be alone- not having to hid from anyone. Keeping secrets around the team was hard, but in the dark he could be open with himself. It didn't take the pain away. Reid was sure the pain would never go away, but it took the stress and some of the anger and hate. He didn't understand why he was angry at them, but he couldn't control himself.

'Maybe her death opened my mind to things I've been missing?' he thought harshly. 'Maybe before I was blind but now I can really see what's going on....' A song floated into his mind at that. Something he had heard on the radio.

A man only sees want he wants to see

When he's in his mind

Where he is that he wants to be

Living in a world where he's safe from reality

The words made more sense to him at that moment then they ever would have. A new anger arose in him, one that he hated but loved. Over and over he said the words in him head. The soft sound of the rain against his window and the occasional thunder added to the dark moment.

A few hours later the team was together again at the small table. Garcia was on speaker phone telling them what she had found. Reid's mood couldn't have been any worse. With every hour in the darkness he saw something else to make him mad. Another reason the lyrics where right. He didn't want to be like this, hated the feeling of hatred and loathing. But then there was a soft need for it. He was sure if he didn't do something about the regret and pain then he would go mad and this was the only thing he had. What he didn't seem to see was this in its own way was madness.

"The killings go from California to Maine. All over the country. I've found six more since we last talked," That made for 11 murders. "I can't seem to find a link between the cities though. No travailing circus, nothing...."

"He would be working a undermining job...fast food maybe..." Hotch put it.

"Hun, do you know how many people are fired and hired every week in those kind of jobs." Garcia said.

'45%...' Reid thought. '"How do you know that, kid." Morgan would say.' He thought coldly and thus kept his mouth shut.

"He most likely tried to become a cop, but failed." Rossi added.

"Nope." She said after a moment. "Still to many." This was impossible.

"Agents?" A voice said and they looked to see a police officer. "There's a call on the tip line you set up. He says its the Batman."

"Garcia?" Hotch said silently asking her to start a trace.

"Got it."

"Line three, sir." The officer said and Hotch answered, leaving it on speaker phone.

"This is Agent Hotchner." He said.

"I killed that guy." The man said.

"What guy?"

"The Couple Murderer. I killed him."

"Your admitting murderer?"

"He was a scum bag. He doesn't deserver to live."

"Is that why you want us to let them out of jail, so you can kill them?"

"So you figured my letter out."

"Yes."

"I'm sure it was Agent Reid."

Reid's heart skipped a beat at the mention of him.

"You still all broken up about your mother's death."

Reid stood quickly knocking his chair over, about to shot at the man, but Morgan grabbed him and put his hand over his mouth. Reid had the urge to bit him, but decided not to.

"You call yourself Batman?" Hotch said keeping his voice even even though they had just learned something they never even thought could be. Some how the UNSUB knew a lot about them.

"I've got to go."

The call ended and Morgan let Reid go. Rubbing his arms where he was held he listened to his co-workers giving them all a cold glare.

"Gracia?" Hotch asked.

"1901 Fraise Ave..... Sam Hudson." Garcia said as fast as she could.

With that they all turned and started out of the small office. At the door Hotch turned and stopped Reid.

"You stay here."

"What?!"

"Do it!" Then they were gone, leaving behind one of their own.

Reid stared after them and considered following but knew he would only be in more trouble. Instead he just left. He wasn't sure where he was going to go, or how he was going to get there, but he needed to go. It was still raining as he walked and he was completely wet only a few minutes later.

'Why do I have to listen to him?' He thought coldly. The small city seemed empty of all life, but for a few cars that went by ever few minutes. 'Why have I always listened to him? He has never respected me, never known me. No-one knows me.'

Reid retreated to the darkness at that time. The one place that he knew he would be safe. The one place he was himself. The one place he didn't have to lie. He was ready to live in the darkness and forget the life he had lived before. Forget the people he once knew and loved. He never wanted to see the light again. He embraced it dipping deeper into insanity.


	5. One Child, Part One

**One Child, Part One: Hotch**

**One child stood before the altar  
One child stood out in the rain  
One child spent his time imagining  
And I don't believe he's coming home again**

_-"One Child" By Savatage_

Hotch hated forcing Reid to stay behind, but he was in no condition to go on a raid. He needed more time to sort things out. Well at least thats what Hotch hoped. He could tell that there was something that he wasn't telling them, but he had decided not to push it- he would tell them when he was ready. Now he was starting to think he would never be ready. Maybe it was time to look into the matter on his own. He was afraid if he waited any longer than Reid would sink more into himself and wouldn't come out again.

Hotch was so preoccupied that he barely realized he was driving.

"Its the next left." Emily said but he didn't proses the words until it was almost to later.

Quickly he turned barely missing it. Luckily there wasn't many people out today. People around here weren't used to the rain. From then on Hotch payed close attention until they reached the right house.

Everyone was out of the car before it had even stopped. Rossi and Emily, followed by Detective Parker, went around the back as the rest of them went to the front. Morgan had the door down before Hotch could even scale the five steps to the porch. Once inside they all split in different directions covering the small house.

In a few seconds all them were crowded in the small living room pointing their guy's at Sam Hudson. He was tall man with short blond hair and blue eyes. In his hand he was holding a gun pointing it into the crowd, even though he was way out numbered.

"Don't be stupid." Hotch said automatically taking the role of negotiator. "Out down the gun, Sam." He didn't move. "You only kill bad guys right?"

"How do I know your not bad?" He said his voice cold and hard.

"We;re just like you. We fight to protect the Innocent. Isn't that what you do." Sam nodded slightly. "You don't want to kill innocent people do you?"

Sam looked around at the men and women surrounding him then asked, "Where's Agent Reid?"

"He's not here." Hotch said plainly.

Sam looked like he wanted to say something, but held it back.

"You want your story heard, right?" Hotch continued. "Thats why you called when you heard we didn't give you credit..... You've been doing this for so long, and no one knows, no-one cares. You're jealous of the police. We get all the credit, even when its you that does the work."

"It's not fair..." Sam said almost putting down the gun.

"Put down the gun and we can work something out." Hotch said but he didn't move.

He was distracted though, not watching. Morgan say this and in a flash was on top of him. A second later Sam was on the ground with Morgan on top of him and Emily was holding the gun. It all happened so fast Hotch hadn't time to put away his gun.

-----------------------------------

It was only a few minutes later when they walked back into the police station. Sam Hudson was taken, by Parker, to the interrogation rooms where he would soon be interrogated. Morgan called Garcia to see what she had found on him wail they were gone.

"You caught him." Garcia answered not sounded to thrilled.

"Yep. Baby Girl, what you got for us?" Morgan said paying no attention to it.

"Okay, so yeah, you were right. He tried to be a cop when he turned 21, but failed. Then he went into nursing and is now a RN and has traveled all over the country- most likely killing as he went. He last lived in Las Vages." She paused. "At Bennington Sanitrium...." They all realized that that was were Reid's mother had been.

"Thanks." Morgan said and hung up.

Upon entering the station Hotch had expected Reid to come running up. He wasn't sure if he would have been sad, or still mad, but anything would have worked. But he didn't see him. Through out the conversation with Garcia he had been looking for the young agent, but had yet to find him. The news that Hudson worked with Dania made him even more worried. What did he know that they didn't?

Realizing that Reid wasn't there Hotch went to the closest cop and asked, "Where's Reid?"

"Dr. Reid? He went with you, didn't he?" He said clammily.

"No."

"Well when you guys left he stopped in the door, then followed after you I just thought..." Hotch run outside with out listening to the rest of the story.

He looked around through the pouring rain as if the genius would come out of hiding. He stood there for a good minute, wished, praying, that he hadn't done anything stupid.

Then he ran back inside calling Reid's phone. It went straight to voice mail. The rest of the team was asking what was wrong, but he didn't hear them. And even if he hadn't he wouldn't have answered. Then he dialed Garcia.

"Yes..." She said unsure why she was being called twice in less then two minutes.

"Can you get me the surveillance footage for the police station?" He asked.

"Um.. Sure..." She said. A few moment's later she added, "Its being sent to your lap top."

"Can you find the footage of us leaving the station?" He asked as he opened the computer which was on the small table.

By this time everyone of was surrounding his chair and paying close attention to what he was looking for.

"There you go."

They watched as the five of them left the station, then a few seconds later Reid walked out, but went the opposite direction.

"Where's he going?" Gracia asked sharply.

"Can you follow him?" He asked.

"Um...." You could hear her quick tapping on the key board and in only a few moments the screen changed to another camera.

Reid was walking down the street. Every time he went out of frame Garcia would find them a new camera that show him. This went on for a good 10 minutes of walking then Reid left the street into a Church.

"What's going on?" Emily asked, but no-one had an answer.

"I think its time we talked to Hudson." Rossi said.

Hotch nodded, unable to talk. He could believe that Reid would run away like this.

"Should we go after him?" Jordan asked.

"Garcia, can you get eyes all around the church?" Hotch asked.

"Yep..."

"Morgan take Jordan with you." He said and the two ran off to try and find their lost friend.

Then Hotch and Rossi went to see what Sam knew. The interrogation room was small, and cold. Even the good looking guy in the middle didn't give it any warmth.

"How do you know Spencer Reid?" Rossi asked, even thought they already knew.

"I don't. I knew his mother though." Sam answered.

"Do you know what happened to her?" Hotch asked harsher than Rossi had.

"She died." Sam answered and Hotch was ready to strangle him already, but he continued to say, "And I even thought about killer her killer."

"She was murdered?" Rossi said with his best fake surprised voice.

In truth they hadn't really thought it was murderer but then it wouldn't have surprised them if it was.

"Yeah."

"Who did it?" Hotch asked quickly.

"Now would it be any funny if I told you. He's not really a bad guy. She asked for it."

Hotch stormed out of the room leaving Rossi to continue with the interrogation alone. Hudson knew wasn't going to tell them anything about Reid or his mother and defiantly had no idea where he was now. Hotch hated himself for leaving him alone. He hated himself for not helping the agent out more. He could tell he was not right from the moment he came back to work. He had thought that he would get out of it- return to normal. He never thought that it was this bad.

Back in the main room Emily was sitting at the computer talking to Garcia. He wasn't really paying much attention to what they were saying, but he knew it was about Reid. Only a few minutes later Emily's phone rang.

"Is he there, Morgan?" She asked making sure it was on speaker phone.

"No." He sound worried. "Jordan is talking to a paster that thins he saw him in here, but his not here."

"Garcia, can you see when he left?" Hotch asked.

"I'll try, but sir...." She sounded scared. That must have meant she was keeping something back. "I don't have eyes on all the exits. There are service doors all over the place... He could be any where..."

Hotch was frustrated. Reid had a good 30 minute head start. He could be anywhere by now. It wasn't looking like he was coming back. They might never see the young agent again. And it could very well have been his fault.


	6. One Child, Part Two

**One child, Part Two: Reid**

**One child hid inside the darkness  
One child never said a thing  
One child closed his eyes and disappeared  
But at night I still can hear him whispering**

Reid didn't really know how he got to the church, or why he even went inside, but there he was staring at the large stain glass window above the alter. Even in the rain the colors seemed to shine as if the sun were on them.

As he stood in the middle of the aisle he tried to think of nothing. He wasn't going to pray, or ask for forgiveness. He didn't need that now. But as he looked at the window with the birth of Jesus depicted on it he found himself almost doing just that. He never addressed a god or anyone, he still wasn't to sure if he believed in a higher power or not, but he confessed his sins. If he had thought it would help he was wrong. At the moment the words where thought he wished he could take them back. Being straight with himself only had the pain worse. He wished he could just go back into the darkness and be alone again.

Suddenly he found himself running. At first it was through the church, then he ended up outside in the rain. Once again Reid didn't know where he was going. There was the smallest thought in his mind of what to do, where to go, but he couldn't really make it out. With out even thinking it, though, he had decided to act it out. He was ready for it all to be over. The best thing to do would be not to think about it.

Before he knew it he was in the hotel that the team was staying at. He didn't pay any attention to the other people in the lobby or the hallways. He just walked as fast as he could to his room. As he opened the door he was suddenly scared that someone would be there, but when he entered it was completely empty and silent. By now they would know he was gone, and would be looking. How long would it be that they checked here? It was so obvious that it would most likely be an hour, or so. He didn't even need that much time.

------------------------------

_**One Week And Four Days Ago, Las Vegas, Nevada**_

_Reid still couldn't believe what his mother had asked him to do. 'She's crazy.' He kept telling himself. But then there was something about the way her eyes looked when she asked him to kill her. They had been clear, like she had really wanted it. He hadn't realized it before but that night, his first sleepless night, he had seen what he had missed. It really didn't make it any easier, though._

_He just wanted to forget that it happened. The best way to do that, he had decided, was to not see today. He had to fly back to Virgina that night, so he would just avoid going back. But he couldn't do that. He needed to talk to her, make sure she was okay. And if she was serious... well he would get her help. It wasn't to uncommon for mentally ill patients to want to die. _

_Reid entered the sunny day room to realize that his mother wasn't. Confused he found the nurse and asked her where she was. _

_"She had another visitor, her... husband... I didn't know she had one... but anyway, he asked if he could talk with her in her room, and the doctor determined that it wouldn't do any harm. Dania has been doing very good lately Dr. Reid. I think it helps that she has you and well him now." She smiled widely._

_"Thank you." Reid said then turned down the hallway. _

_He had a fleeting thought that he should just leave then, but something kept him walking. He wasn't sure what it was, but for some reason he had to so her, and make sure she was okay. He didn't want her to be hurt, especially if he was the who was hurting her._

_As he slowly opened the closed door his heart beat faster, The thought of not only seeing his mother but also his father was over whelming, He didn't know if he could take both of them right now. Maybe it would have been better to just turn away, but now it was to late. The door swung open to reveal William sitting on the edge of the bed with Dania on it. _

_Reid's heart stopped when he saw the way William looked back at him. It was like he was being caught with his hands in the cookie jar. Reid was next to him mom in seconds, pushing William out of the way. _

_"Mom?" he asked automatically checking for a pulse._

_There was a very light one. Slowly Dania's eyes opened. They looked tired and almost scared. Tears started to fall down Reid's check, but he payed them no attention. _

_"Spencer..." She said weakly._

_"Mom, Why..." Reid said and could hear his father shouting in the background. 'Covering his tracks.' he thought coldly. Then realizing that his mother was on the break of death he bent down only a few inches from her face and said, "I love you."_

_"I.. Love..." She said with her dieing breath._

_"No..." Reid muttered. "Why... Please not you... Please... I'm not ready." He knew it was useless, she was already gone._

_Then an idea popped into his head. Quickly he started performing CPR on her. Thats when he felt the hand on his shoulder._

_"Sleeping Pills, son." William said._

_"Why!" Reid shouted giving up on trying to revive her, knowing that it was useless. He turned to his father. "Why!"_

_"She asked for it..." He sound sad, but not sad enough._

_"You psychopath! Why! She... She was sick..."_

_"No... No she wasn't. She really wanted it..." he was sounding like he was regretting what he did._

_That was when the nurses ran in. They say the dead women on the bed and ran to her._

_"What happened?" One asked as she looked Dania over._

_"We were talking..." William said softly, "Then... After my son came in... she.. just... died...."_

_"Your not my father..." Reid muttered so only he could hear him._

_From that moment on Reid wasn't to sure what happened. He remember almost telling them that William had given her sleeping pills, but there was something about the way her eyes looked, out side the pain and sadness. For the first time she looked free. That night was the first time he went hid in the darkness, unaware of where it would take him in less then two weeks._


	7. All That He Bleeds

**All That He Bleeds**

**Lord bring on the night  
Wrap it all around me  
Let it hold me tight  
Soak up all that I bleed**

**And I'll fly away  
Yeah I'll fly away  
Yeah I'll fly away  
Watch me**

_-"All that I Bleed" By Savatage_

Reid looked down at the piece of paper under his hand. He didn't know what to write, and when he started to write he wasn't even sure the words were his own. He had never thought that he would be writing a letter like this one. But the words just kind of fell out of his head, making him think even more that this was the right thing to do.

He had let his mother be killed. Sure he hadn't "pulled the trigger", to say, but he hadn't done the right thing. If he had talked to the doctors they would have put her on suicide watch, and then William would have never had the chance to dose her with sleeping pills, sleeping pills that couldn't be detected in the blood stream. He couldn't help but think he didn't say anything because he knew that she was right, and that she had to be killed, like he had to be killed now.

_Dear World, (He wrote)_

_It pains me to have to say this but I killed my mother. If I had just been there for her then he would have never given into her pleads. I should have been able to save her, but I didn't. Hotch, I know he were just trying to help me, but there is no help for me. There never was. Please forgive me. Morgan, Emily, and Dave you guess are the ones that need to stay. With out you so many would win. Promise that you will stay to fight against the bad guys that run the world, even after this, you have to be strong, like you always have. Jordan I never really got to get to know you, but anyone that can do the job you do is stronger than most people. Please keep them all in line. Garcia, I know this will hurt you the most. You've always had the biggest heart. But you need to be strong. I'm not worth you pity. Just keep moving Forward- I know you can. JJ, I'm most sorry to you. Don't tell Henry about this, no child needs to know. I never wanted to know about my mom, but then there's no preventing that. There's something I should have told you along time ago and thats that I've always liked you. I'm not sure if its love, I've never felt love, but I know that I would be devastated if anything did happen to you. But more important I want you to be happy, and I can tell that that is with Will. He's a great guy, and the father of your wonderful son. Keep them close. And Please don't lose sight of the world. _

_I'm sorry and Goodbye._

_Love, Spencer Reid_

Reid looked down at the letter for a long minute. A few tears dropped onto the page. Then he picked it up and suck it on the front of his door. He knew it was mean, but he wanted them to read it before they came into the room. He wanted them to know all that before they say what he had done to himself.

Then he moved to the bed and pulled out his gun. It felt heavier to him than it had ever in his life. 'The weight of suicide.' He thought coldly. 'I'm losing my mind. I'm a killer. I can't live in the darkness or the light.' Justifying the act wouldn't make it any easier, but he had to be frank with himself one last time. Let his cards fall.

Slowly he lifted the gun to his temple, his hand shaking slightly. Even with that he wanted nothing else in the world but death, even if hew as scared to death at what he would find.

Still unsure if he was religious or not he found himself in prayer. "Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory. for ever and ever. Amen."

--------------------------------------

Garcia had worked as fast as she could. At the same time as she was trying to track down where Reid had gone she was trying to find out what had happened to his mother. At the same time Hotch and Emily found themselves with the same task. What Hotch hadn't been expecting was that it would take one phone call to Reid's father.

"This is agent Hotchner, I work with your son." Hotch said as fast as he could, slurring some of the words.

"What? Whats happened?" William answered hearing the urgency in the other man's voice.

"We need to know what happened to Reid's mother."

"Is Spencer alright?"

"Sir, his mother." Hotch said, knowing it was cold, but he had no time to explain what was going on.

"She was killed."

"By who?" He was dreadfully afraid of the answer he might get.

"Me. I helped her kill herself."

"What...." Hotch started but realized there was no time. "Did Reid have anything to do with it?"

"No... well... she asked him to do it first..."

It all made since. He was feeling guilt for her death. Maybe he wanted to do it and thats why he felt bad, or because he couldn't stop it. But one way or another that was the key. Along with the distancing himself, and irritability that pointed to either him running, or killing himself.

With out another word he hung up the phone and was out of there in a flash, not even having time to tell Emily what he had found, which might have been a good idea. The rest of the team were out around the town trying to find him. But Hotch knew right where to look first. The one place he would go in either of those situations, either to get his stuff, or to be sure he would be found.

It took the profiler under three minutes to get to the hotel. And under one to get to the right floor. As he ran down the hall he feared the worst. Reid had had a good hours head start on them, he could already be dead. When he reached the young man's door the white letter shone at him like a lost star. Hotch skimmed through it as fast as he could, with getting what it was saying so he would know if it was a suicide note or not. This was when he wished he could read like Reid.

Seeing that it was Hotch's heart stopped. he turned the knob, which he knew what have been unlocked, Reid wanted this to be as easy as it could. The first this he say was the young agent on the bed, blood everywhere. Tears flowed door Hotch's face as he ran over to him still caring hope that he was alive.

-----------------------------------

_**Author's note: There is still hope for Reid. Please vote in the poll on my page... or if it doesn't work, becuase I haven't been able to vote in any polls lately, then E-mail me at: with your vote.**_


	8. Never To Late

**Never To Late**

**Even if I say  
It'll be alright  
Still I hear you say  
You want to end your life  
Now and again we try  
To just stay alive  
Maybe we'll turn it all around  
'Cause it's not too late  
It's never too late**

_-"Never to Late" By Three Days Grace_

Something stopped Reid at the last second. He didn't know what it was but for some reason he couldn't just shot himself in the head. Slowly he moved the gun to point on his stomach.

'Lets see what fate has in store for me.' he thought. It was a better thing to do anyway. Instead of killing himself he would let there be a chance that he could be saved. If he didn't die then that meant that it wasn't meant to be.

He wondered if there was anyone around to hear the shot. He really doubted it. It was the middle of the day and he was in a hotel, even one would be out having fun. He also wondered if the team had caught the Batman. He really hoped so. He didn't want anyone else to die.

Then he pulled the trigger. It was the most pain he had felt in his life. He could feel the blood soaking his cloths. The gun dropped from his hands as he closed his eyes and fell back onto the bed. He embraced the pain and wondered into the darkness, not expecting to see the light ever again. Death was scarer then he had thought.

---------------------------------

Hotch ran across the room as fast as he could. When he had gone the short distance to the bed he realized that he had shot himself in the stomach. That meant that he could be saved. Pressing his hand against the wound he tried to stop the bleeding, still not sure if the young man was alive or not.

"Reid?" He called. After a long moment he say the slow rise and fall of his chest. He was alive, but only just. "Reid! Reid Please don't die! Reid." He said then realized he needed to get hi to a hospital.

This was when having another person would have been helpful. Hotch didn't want to remove his hands from the other, afraid that he would die. But he needed to get an ambulance here, and now.

"Someone! HELP!" He shouted never taking his eyes off Reid. "Help! Please! Someone. Anyone!" He continued to call.

A few moments later a young couple walked down the hallway going back to their room. Hearing the shouts the ran in. The girl screamed at the scene huddling into her husband.

"Help... Call 911. Tell them he's been shot!" Hotch said right away.

A moment later he could hear the man talking into the phone. He was talking so fast that Hotch didn't know if the guy on the other side could understand him or not.

"Reid, please don't die..." Hotch muttered ignoring the couple now. "Please... Its not your time. I... You.... Reid?" The rise and fall of his chest was getting slower. He was failing. "No! No! No!"

"They're three minutes out!" He heard from somewhere, but was so focused on Reid he didn't know where,

Tears ran down his face as he continued to hold pressure on the wound, starting to think it was time to do CPR, but he couldn't move. He continued to mutter stuff but by this time he was so out of it himself he didn't know what he was saying, or if it even made sense. Spencer was dieing and he didn't know how to help him.

"Sir, can you move..." He heard but the words never processed. "Sir." The next thing he knew he was being pulled from the young agent.

It was only then that he realized the paramedics had arrived, and where already at work on stabilizing Reid. One of them was walking Hotch out of the room, maybe saying something, but Hotch didn't hear.

Once out side the room Hotch say the note taped to the door. With bloody hands he grabbed it and read it again, this time getting all that it said. This couldn't be happening. Then Reid and about a thousand other people came out of the room and down the hall. Quickly he stuffed the suicide note in his pocket and followed. When they were outside another man stopped him from following Reid anymore.

"You can't come, sir. We need all the room we can have."

"Which hospital are you taking him to?" He asked with out even thinking.

"Memorial, on Lexington."

Hotch, still covered in blood, ran to his FBI issued SUV and got in, taking after the ambulance as fast as he could. In the car he realized that he should call someone, tell them what was going on. It was a phone call he never wanted to make. The first number that came up was Morgan's and thus he called him.

"Yeah, Hotch?" He answered.

At first Hotch couldn't find his voice, and even almost crashed the car when he came to a red light.

"Hotch?" Morgan repeated.

"I...Its Reid..." He stumbled over the words.

"What about him?"

"He... shot... him...himself...He's going to Ma...Mamoarl hosp..." He couldn't say anything else.

"Be right there!" He said and hung up. Hotch trusted him to get the news to the others.

In silence he went the rest of the way there. He arrived only shortly after the ambulance since he went way over the speed limit. He would have gotten there even fast if he had remember he was in a cop car and could us the sirens. Running into the building he was ushered to the waiting room.

-------------------------------

Morgan, Rossi, and Jordan came in only a few minutes later. They looked at Hotch, covered in blood, and though they had so many questions, kept quiet. Which he was very grateful for. he didn't know if he could try and explain now. Emily was there in the next few minutes, along with Detective Parker.

Hotch sat in silence a few more minutes then decided it was time to explain. Never once looking up from the floor he told the story. His voice was lifeless, but the most important thing was it was controlled. He was able to hid his true emotion, even though anyone that knew him knew he was devastated. Maybe he was trying to put on a show for the doctors, maybe he was trying to save the last bit of dignity he had left. he himself wasn't to sure.

As he told the story he left out the note, not sure if he should share that bit with them. If Reid died, then he would let them all look at it, but if he lived he would keep it hidden. He knew there were some things that he didn't want people to know on there when he was alive. That was how it always went. Hotch would respect that and never tell a soul what he knew, and pretended that he didn't know it, even if it was burnt into his head.

The five of them, Parker leaving after he found out it was a suicide attempt, in silence watching every doctor and nurse that walked by. Just waiting to hear the good or bad news. Minutes turned to hours and hours threatened to turn to days. No one knew how much time had past. It was enough time that Garcia, and JJ, along with Will and Henry, to fly in from Virgina.

All Hotch could remember thinking of what that there was still hope. Some how he had found Reid with in enough time that he didn't bleed out. But now it was out of his hands, then again it had never been in his hands. He kept telling him self that it was Never To Late.


	9. After the Fall

**After the Fall**

**But I don't want the past to be my life  
And I don't want to live inside the night  
But I don't want to see your shadow fade**

_-"After the Fall" By Trans-Siberian Orchestra_

It was almost surreal when the doctor finally walked into the small crowded room. Henry had fallen asleep and hour ago, and since then most the talking have stopped. Hotch was out of his blood covered clothes and was now wearing some of Will's.

"The surgery went fine." The doctor said and everyone just wished he could get to the point.

It was around midnight, and before then they all hadn't gotten much sleep. The just wanted to know if their friend was okay so maybe they could get some shut eye before the passed out.

"The bullet went throw the stomach, liver, and just about every other important organ in that area." He continued. "He is a very lucky man." They weren't to sure if this meant he was going to be okay or not. "He should be okay. He's going to be asleep for a while, so you can see him in the morning." There was something about the way he said that that made them all think, 'If he's still alive in the morning.'

With that he left the room. Most the tension was gone, but they all still couldn't rest peacefully knowing that at any moment the young agent could slip into death.

Will caught this immediately. "I can take Henry to the Hotel while you wait here?" He said, though it was more of a question. No one though badly about his thinking about abandoning Reid. A hospital was no place for a baby to be.

"Yeah... Okay, I'll come as soon as I know something more." JJ said kissing him and Henry before they left.

The rest of them stayed right were they were. No one even thought about leaving. Emily curled up in her chair, and lending her head against Morgan feel asleep. Morgan pulled out his I-pod and most likely fell asleep with his head against the wall. Dave looked off into space, not even looking tired. It came with the job. Garcia and JJ were talking softly about the baby again. At least there was something light still in the world.

Hotch just looked around, and thought. Thinking of the letter and Reid's suicide. What would have happened if he hadn't found him went he did? What if he did die? What would happen then? He could ready feel the hole that would tare through him. He wasn't sure if he would be able to survive.

--------------------------------

The pain was soon dulled, but it never went away. It shot through him like fire every time Reid moved. But he couldn't move. He couldn't figure out how to use any of his limps. He couldn't see either. All there was was darkness. He wondered if he was death. Was this all there could be? Darkness and pain? he didn't think it could be. But if it wasn't death then what was it? Could this be life? It felt so empty.

Reid couldn't tell an hour away from a minute. Time seemed to drag on forever, never going anywhere. For the longest time he didn't think of anything, not wanting to face reality. If he was in hell then that would mean that the torture would be to think.

But as time went on it became hard not to think. He needed something to do. And his mind was unfolding at the seams.

He thought of him mother and her assisted suicide. He though of the pain he felt, and her cold dead eyes telling him that this was what she wanted. He remember looking at his team- his friends- for the first time after that. Seeing all the care and love they showed, and not caring. He remember that guilt he felt that started of small, and grew with every passing minute. He couldn't believe that he could feel such mental sorrow. he remember seeing the dead bodies of the couple murderers victims. All the blood and fear. he related with them like he hadn't since he himself was in their shoes when he was abducted. He remembered finding the darkness and choosing to ignore the help that his friends tried to offer. He remembered deciding that the world was out to get him. And finally the painful choice that he must die and the act of acting out on it.

Now that he thought it all over he found what a big mistake he had made. He understood that it was only grief and guilt that forced him to the darkness. And most of all he saw that the darkness was bad, and that in truth it was insanity. There was no reason for him to hate everyone that he loved. The resentment he had developed toward them was wrong. He should have embraced them not the dark. They were what he really needed to live.

But now it was to late. He had acted and now he was swimming in a sea of darkness and pain. Maybe it was the right end to him. Maybe he deserved to die since he had been so stupid. But then stupidity wasn't a good reason to die for. If everyone who didn't something stupid died then there would be a lot less people. He had been more then just stupid, though. He had lost track of himself. Gone insane. If he did wake from the darkness then would he just return to normal? Was it possible?

Then again to die would mean to hurt all those he truly cared about. If he didn't die, or was already dead, then his team would fall apart in grief, just like he did. They were stronger than he was, much more, but he couldn't see them getting past his suicide. It was the worst way to leave someone.

Or maybe they wouldn't even worry about it. Thats the way Reid would have liked it. If they could just forget about him and move on almost like they had with Elle. They were sad for a while, but in time Emily came and replaced her and now they never even talked about her. He never even thought about her.

That thought made him sad. How could they all just forget about a person they worked with for over a year, just like that. Was her life really that meaningless? He decided that if he came out of this then he was going to call her up, or e-mail her. Show her that he cared. But if he didn't make it out he hoped that they all would forget him like they had Elle. It was painless. Some hoe he didn't think that would happen.

The best thing would be not to die. he didn't want to die any more. It would be hard to get back into his life. Go back to working around death and dealing with those he had hurt so much. Maybe he wouldn't even go back. He was brilliant, there was sure to be some job other than the FBI that he could do. He wasn't sure if he could turn away from them though. Even if he had to work to get back to were he was he wanted to still help people. He wasn't going to turn his back like he had just done. How many people would die if he wasn't in the BAU? It might not be a lot, but he couldn't take the chance.

Hours and hours later the pain started to grow. Reid didn't know what was going on but his world was shattering again. As the pain grew black turned to gray and gray slowly started to turn to light. He wanted the dark back- to escape the pain. He know, though, that to do that would mean to be there for ever. If he was dead then he had come to some self-realization that was being him to the light- maybe heaven, maybe not. And if he was alive he was heading back to the world he know and loved. Which ever one it was he knew that if he went back into he dark that he would never see what was waiting for him.

He wasn't sure if the immense pain that he felt was worth it or not. Could any place with that much pain be any better? He wanted the soft burning back. He wasn't sure if he wanted to go back. Not even after all he had thought about and plained. When it finally came time he didn't know if he could do the right thing.

Taking a large breath he pushed himself forward, deciding that the pain was worth the light


	10. Believe

**Believe**

**And for all the years you borrowed  
And for all the tears you cried  
And for all the fears you had to keep inside**

_-"Believe" By Savatage_

Reid slowly opened his eyes. The light was blinding, after for many hours, or days, with in the dark. At first he couldn't see anything but white, and he wondered if indeed he was dead and this was the trade off for the dark. Some how he didn't mind the pain much any more.

Then with in a few seconds shapes started to come into focus. And before long he realized that he was lying down in a white room with six people looking at him. As he started to move they all stopped moving and talking, as if sound would scare him back into the darkness. At first he couldn't tell who this people were. He knew he knew them but couldn't remember.

Finally he realized that it was Hotch, Morgan, Emily, JJ, Garcia, and Dave. He gave them all a very weak, painful smile. They took that as a sign that it was okay to breath again.

"You okay man?" Morgan was the first to talk. "You in any pain?"

It took Reid a moment to figure out how to use him voice and when he did he forgot how to lie. "A little...." Feeling how scratchy his voice was he added. "Water?"

"Yeah, sure." Emily said, and in a moment was there with a cup of water.

Reid drank it slowly, talking in every taste of it. He had missed taste, and sound, and feeling. After a few sips he couldn't take any more, though.

"How long?" He said, still unable to really make full sentences.

"How long have you been out?" Dave asked and when he nodded said, "Its been almost 24 hours since...." he stopped short.

Reid could see the pain in his eyes and knew what he was thinking. Not looking directly at any one he said, "I'm sorry." He wished he say all he wanted, but it hurt to much.

"Its fine Reid." Hotch said quickly seeing the pain in the young man's eyes. "You've had a hard day. You need to rest."

Reid nodded. Everyone in turn left the small room. Each said something as they left. By the time they were gone Reid was back in darkness. But it was different. It was filled with dream and he knew that at any time he could pull himself out of it. For the first time in two weeks Reid truly slept.

-----------------------------

Hotch left the room feeling slightly empty inside. he wasn't sure if by seeing that Reid was going to be okay that it would make things any better. What he did know was that now he just felt worse. Seeing him in such pain was hard.

"I think I'm going to give Will a break now." JJ said. It was just after 12:00pm.

"I think we all should get some sleep." Rossi said looking around at everyone.

They all knew that he was right. There was no more reason to be here, but Hotch couldn't help be shake the feeling that this wasn't over yet. He didn't want to leave Reid. He didn't need to sleep, even though he hadn't slept in 48 hours.

"I think I'm going to stay here." He said.

"Hotch The doctors say he's stable. His not going to crash." Rossi said.

"I know.. I just don't think he should be alone..." Hotch replied.

Rossi looked like he was going to protest, but instead said, "Okay...."

Then they all left and Hotch alone. He went back into Reid's room and took a seat in the arm chair next to his bed. For the longest time he just sat there listening to his breathing and the steady heart beat on the monitor. He seemed so at peace, and he wished he could be that way.

It wasn't long before he found himself drifting into dream. It wasn't really a nightmare, but it wasn't a dream he awoke he couldn't remember what it was about, though. He wished he could remember. Something told him that the dream mattered.

He looked at his watch to see that it had been two hours since he had fallen asleep. Reid was still asleep. Hotch sat there for the longest time, just waiting for the young agent to wake.

An hour and a half later Reid finally stirred. Hotch just watched him for a few minutes as he got his grounds. Then when he finally realized he wasn't alone he stood and went to the side of his bed.

"Hotch?" Reid asked as if unsure of who was there.

"Yeah its me." he said, even though he knew Reid knew it was him. "How are you feeling?"

"Better..." Reid said, but Hotch really doubted that.

"I... I've seen your letter..." Hotch said after a long pause.

"Has anyone else seen-" Reid stared but Hotch cut him off. Reid was sounding better, but Hotch did;t want him to hurt himself.

"No. I haven't told anyone."

"Thanks..." Reid wasn't looking straight at him.

"Why'd you do it?" Hotch asked.

"Do what?"

"Shot yourself in the stomach, not the head?"

"I...I'm not sure..." Hotch didn't believe it.

"Did you not want to die?"

"Not really..."

"But you don't want to be dead now?"

"Yeah..."

"Did you want to be tortured?"

"Maybe."

"Who killed your mother?"

"I did."

"No you didn't."

"I let it happen. I knew that she wanted to die and didn't do anything about it... I could have stopped him..."

"Him who?"

"William... William Reid. It was my father."

"But you didn't kill her."

"I did."

"No, Reid, You didn't and you know that. Thats why you shoot yourself in the stomach. Because you knew you didn't deceiver to die."

"Thats not why."

"Then why?"

Reid was silent for a very long time. Finally he said, "You have to understand something first."

"What....?" Hotch wasn't sure if he wanted to know the answer.

"I was falling, falling hard. I wasn't sure what I could believe... and I was starting to... to be paranoid." He paused for a long time, maybe expecting Hotch to say something, but he was quiet. "I thought that maybe you and the others were.... were taking advantage of me. Like he didn't care about me, but what I could do. I thought you guys were the bad ones... I don't know..." He said struggling to explain it.

"Thats not true!" Hotch said softly. It was all coming together.

"I know... And I was starting to realize before I shoot myself." The words were cold.

"But you still Sh...." He couldn't finish the sentence.

"I wanted it to be up to fate if I lived or died. Sure you all weren't out to get me, but I still had watched my mother die... and... couldn't do anything to help her." He was starting to cry now.

"Its okay." Hotch slowly put a hand on his shoulder. "This is normal. Its alright to be upset about your mother's death."

"I know... I just..." Again he was at a lost for words.

"It'll be okay. When I lost my father, then my mom, it tore me apart. The pain will pass, you'll see."

"Hotch?"

"Yeah?"

"I think I need more time off."

"Take all the time you need."

**THE END**

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_**Author's Note: So thats it for now. There might be a sequel in the making. *Hint Hint* I hoped you all liked it.**_


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